The Alchemy of Acceptance
Resisting what feels too difficult is an adaptation we all participate in, and growing the capacity to be present with these challenges is uncomfortable. But ultimately, accepting a difficult truth is often the gateway through healing, and it is a skill we can grow over time. Psychedelics are a particularly useful tool to strengthen this ability.
In a recent medicine journey of my own, I caught a glimpse of how I had been creating my own hardship in relationships, like a trap I unconsciously made for myself. And although I could see how I chained myself up, I was still stuck in it.
As I allowed myself to be with this uncomfortable realization - that I was actually creating my own suffering and I had no one else to blame - I started chanting the f-word, again and again, over and over, in my own disbelief. At one point, the skilled guide who was sitting with me suggested I might make a song out of it, since I seemed to like the word so much!
His comment helped me see I was doing the exact same thing getting stuck on ‘fuck’. I was creating my own suffering because I wanted things to be different than they actually were. In this case, I was attached to blaming my caregivers for not being there as I needed them to be. It was their fault, I was an innocent child that simply needed to feel loved and cared for. While that was true – I had been neglected and abused at a young age - the insight for me was that I was still wishing it to be it different. I didn’t want to own the depth of that early childhood wound, and if somebody could just show up for me the right way, and do all the right things, I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. As an adult, waiting for someone to do everything right and heal my childhood wound resulted in no one ever being enough. The anger I had towards my caregivers for not being there was then projected onto those I was in relationship with, creating more barriers to intimacy when love and connection was all that I wanted. Fuck!
What I came to realize of course is that nobody is going to fill that wound for me. That wound is mine, there is no going back in time and changing what happened. But if I can welcome that wound as part of who I am, and have compassion for myself during the inevitable echoes of the anger and grief that come with it, that old pattern of ‘no one does enough for me’ begins to shift. I begin to strengthen the agency I have as a wizened woman to live my life, make my own choices, choose my own relationships and take care of myself - something I wasn’t capable of doing as young, dependent child. And then I begin to feel more whole. And that helps me deepen my connection with others. And then I get to feel more nourished in intimacy.
The f-bomb is becoming great ally for me now. When that word shoots into my thoughts or slips out of my lips, I’m beginning to see it more as a blessing then a curse. It’s an opportunity, a reminder to pause and reflect, what am I attached to right now? Is there somehow I can be with the present reality instead of wishing it was different?
This is what I believe to be the alchemy of acceptance. It takes courage to face what’s been too difficult to accept, but that’s often the direct footpath through suffering.
How does resistance to accepting truth show up for you? How might you make a song out of it?
