Culivating your Relational Garden
This exercise I adapted from Asia Suler, a wild, witchy, wounded healer of Appalachia and author of Mirrors in the Earth. Her book is full of gemstones of nature based wisdom and healing practices, and I highly recommend it.
There are always points in life when we realize our metaphorical garden of personal relationships needs some adjusting. Like any living garden, our constellation of relationships change over time as people come and go and our needs change and evolve. Sometimes we need to make boundaries (and do some weeding!) and sometimes we need to bring people closer in (transplanting to a more favorable spot). I like this exercise because it brings more intentionality to how we choose to be in relationship with the people in our lives.
Write a list of the top 5-10 people who take up the most bandwidth of thought and care in your life. This may include friends, partners, family, co-workers, etc. For each person on the list, imagine they have unexpectedly called or come by for a visit. Write down your immediate visceral or emotional reaction to each person, include feelings and any physical sensations. Allow yourself to be honest, this is just for your personal reflection and your authenticity will make it more insightful.
Now, create a physical map of your personal garden, with you in the middle (perhaps as a magestic shade tree!) with garden space surrounding you on all sides. Take a moment to represent each person on your list by name (or plant!) on paper, be creative with color. Cut each of those out so they can be arranged around your garden at will. Now, intuitively place each person in the garden as a representation of where they are in relation to you. Take a step back and look at the garden - how do you feel about this garden constellation as it is now?
Next, try moving people around the garden into different places - closer, further away, or out of the garden bounds altogether. How does it feel to move each person around? What would be your dream garden arrangment? Are there any new plants you might bring in?
For each person you moved closer in or further out, write down what actions you could take to help them find a more desired place in your life. How could you invite some people into deeper relationship? How could you create more space and boundaries with others? If guilt or fear comes up, try telling yourself “I am the gardener of my life, and the living world is fed by any invitation or boundary I make that supports my own life.”
Anytime you need to, you can revisit the garden and move things around to experiment. Its a great way to reflect on your relationship constellation, support healthy boundaries, and cultivate deeper relationships with those who nourish you.
